


We're never gonna win

by nevergonnawin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Hurt, It says Larry but really it's just Louis being in love, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Please be careful while reading, Sad Ending, Suicidal Louis, sorry - Freeform, there's no Larry endgame, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:05:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7102549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevergonnawin/pseuds/nevergonnawin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Louis' end was painless and quick – almost just as quick as the decision it took. It was just like falling asleep."</p><p>Or, Louis is sad, and decides to do something about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're never gonna win

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so I am sorry for any mistakes I may have made. Also, it is the first time I've ever written in English, so I am quite proud. I hope you enjoy reading this.
> 
> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt. Please be careful while reading!
> 
> Title from Shake Shake Go's "Soon".

> _"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."_  
>  \- Ned Vizzini  
>    
> 
> 
> * * *

What a funny thing, sadness is.  


Call it nostalgia, depression, sadness – whatever you want. It still is that feeling of a hole inside your heart, hollow and dark, swallowing all of your happiness in one go, making you forget you ever were happy once. All of it is funny. It likes to play, you see. One day, you wake up and start to think, “I've been happy for a while, now. Maybe I'm getting better.” But then, the next day, just the thought of moving and leaving your bed and fighting your way through the world makes you want to curl up into yourself and never open your eyes ever again.

Louis had never concidered himself to be a sad person. As far as he could remember, he always had been quite the laugh at school, making a fool of himself just to hear the giggles of his classmates echoing through the corridors. When he was younger, he would always dream of big aventures, getting himself into trouble and coming home with dirt all over his face and knees red from scratching – but smiling, always smiling. As far as he could remember, really, he always had been a happy child.

And then, all of a sudden, he was not.  


He did not really know what had happened to him, to be honest. Nothing big had had a major impact on him – no death in the family, no trauma upon him... But if he thought hard about it, he could piece it all together. He did not need a huge trauma on his head to blame for his current feelings. His father had left his mother before he was even born, and the thought of not being wanted had always hunted him somewhere in the back of his mind. Then a few years later, his stepfather, the one he called _dad_ , had left his wife, Louis' mother, and the little girl they had had together – plus Louis. And that was all before Louis had started high school.  


Subsequently, Louis had started high school with no expentation of anything and things went downhill from there. These three years had been the hardest years he ever had had in school. Somehow, he had managed to not make any friends and ended up spending them on his own, speaking to a few people but never getting any real friendship from anyone.  


Maybe, then, it was when he had started to want to die. He wouldn't be able to say an exact date, but between his second and last year of high school was when he started to feel it. That dark, strong, breathtaking want to jump off a cliff, or stop in front of a moving car. That deep, strong pull that would fill his whole body and mind, that made him so dizzy he could not think straight. Scary thoughts that would send him on the edge of madness, but never totally into it... And they were all so, so tempting.  


Whenever he was alone, his own voice would echo in his mind. _You just have to cross the road as soon as you see a car coming. It'd be so easy._  


_What if you jumped right there?_  


_No wonder you're always on your own – look at you... it's a pity._  


Louis could not control these thoughts – even though they came from him. They would distract him from his work, always keeping him awake at night and unfocused in class. They would never stop. They would come and go, just like waves. Endless waves, destroying everything in their way. And Louis would always feel himself drown in them. And he just wanted for it to stop. Just _stop_.

But the most frightening thing between all of that – between the sadness and the voice and the will to die – was Harry.

Harry was Louis's only friend. He had met him in his first year of university, when they first discovered they had to share a dorm for the whole remaining of the year. They had hit off instantly, and Louis had been thrilled to have him as a roomate – he had just gotten out of three long and endless years of high school, and was hoping to make a new start. He would discover along the year that things were not that easy – and now, as he stared at Harry from across the room, he realized how wrong he had been to believe in a new beginning.

Harry was a delight. He had nice features, a pale skin and a sharp jaw that was framed by curly pieces of hair falling to his shoulders. He was tall, taller than Louis, but somehow, in this little dorm, sitting on his little bed, he looked so small. Louis wanted to fold him up and keep him in his pocket forever.

But no matter how much Harry made his heart race, he would never make a move on the boy. Louis had already accepted long ago that he was a coward, and that Harry deserved better boyfriend than him. Or better friend, for that matter.

The curly haired boy had always been nothing but kind and sweet with Louis. The latter knew just how much Harry cared about him, but had painfully came to a realisation that his feelings did not fit Louis' own. Louis was in love with Harry – but Harry wasn't in love with Louis.

“What are you thinking about?”

The voice surprised him. While staring at Harry, the young man had gotten lost in his thoughts. He tried to smile slowly at his friend, who was looking right back at him with a confused smirk on his face. He had obviously seen Louis staring at him like a creep. _Fantastic_.

“Sorry,” Louis said. “I was just thinking about home.”

Harry smiled kindly.

“I understand, man,” he answered from his slow, low voice. “If I didn't have my pride, I'd call my mum everyday.”

That got a laugh out of Louis. A small, forced laugh that nobody knew was fake. It ripped its way through his throat, burning his tongue and making his mouth numb. He felt like such a liar – towards Harry, towards himself. When would he be able to say how sad he felt deep down? Would he be able, one day, to describe that hollow feeling at the bottom of his heart – or would he stay a coward and live like a coward and die like a coward?

“I need to go,” Harry mumbled. “Got classes in ten minutes.” He paused for a second. “I'm so lazy, though.”

Louis let out a chuckle.

“If you fail and end up working in a fastfood, I won't be the one to help you out.”

“ _Rude_ ,” Harry complained as he got up, clearly laughing. “So very rude. I hate you!”

 _Welcome to the club_ , Louis thought. 

He did try to not think about the flutter his heart made when Harry kissed his cheek goodbye.  
  


* * *

_"_ _only thing left is to live a dead life_  
_double benefit of the deads they're solid and they don't complain"_  
\- Ludovic Degroote (from french to english)  
  


* * *

Louis looked at his food with disgust. He did not wish to eat. And that was great, because he felt as if he was going to throw up as soon as that fork hit the inside of his mouth. He felt lost. Lost and sad.

Lost, sad, and useless.

What a funny thing, sadness. Sometimes – not always –, it came with the want of dying at every breathe taken. And _if only he could_...

The young man took a deep breathe. He _could_.

It seemed so weird – suicidal thoughts always came and go, and decisions could be taken in the blink of an eye. Suicide could be decided in the blink of an eye. So, that was it, then? Was it the feeling people who had comitted suicide felt before letting go? He felt that rush going through his veins, buzzing under his skin, making his heart race and head dizzy. _Adrenaline_. He felt like he was going to faint. He felt _excited_.  


How sad was that? Louis felt excided at the thought of dying – or was excited at the thought of killing himself. He had forgotten how great excitement could feel like, taking his whole body and nearly toning down the voice in his head to a slight whisper. He was going to do it. Today. He had never been in such a rush before.  


He had so many thing to do. He jumped up, taking his phone in one big movement and typed in the number he had come to know by heart. Keeping the phone close to his ear, he threw the now cold food as he waited for him mum to pick up. He waited thirty seconds, going around his room and eating his nails nervously. Just one call. One call and then he could... he could...

“Hello, sweetheart,” his mum's voice echoed through the phone.

“Hello, mum,” he rushed to say, his voice trembling with nervousness and excitation. “How are you doing?”

He could here movement on her side. She seemed to be walking as she answered, “I'm wonderful, darling. Is anything alright? What owes me the pleasure of your call?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I loved you!” he mumbled, his tone jerky. “I don't tell you enough.”

There was a blank at the other side. Then, his mother cleared her throat and talked again.

“I love you too, my darling.” She posed again. She obviously had picked up on his tone and, true to herself, had guessed something was going on. “Are you okay, Lou? Your voice is all shaky.”

He tried not to cry right there and then. “Nah, mum, I'm just in a rush, but I wanted to talk to you before going to class.”

She did not seem conviced when she spoke next. “Alright, darling. Be careful, my dear, and call me if anything's wrong.”

“Thanks, mama. I love you.”

“I love you too, my son.”

Louis let the silence drag for a little while before hanging up. Then he sat down, buried his face in his knees and profusely started crying.  
  


* * *

> _"_ _I do believe I could've fought a little harder, and I wish I was not such a coward. But happiness is a private club that will not open its doors to me. I've fought for so many years, but I've came to realize that fighting is tiring and unsuccessful. This is me ending the fight. I hope you may one day forget and forgive me."_

* * *

__

Louis' end was painless and quick – almost just as quick as the decision it took. It was just like falling asleep. He had laid down, a stomach full of medications and all sorts of alcohol he could not even name. He felt full and sated, almost as after a good meal, and a soft smile had shown on his face as he had felt himself go. He loved that feeling. The world becoming dark, numbness taking over his body parts and the voice dying down, defeated. Louis had won the fight.

He let himself go happily and did not wake up when Harry shook his body like a mad man.  
  


* * *

> _"Can you do it? When the time comes? When the time comes there will be no time. Now is the time. Curse God and die."  
>  _ \- Cormac McCarthy  
> 


End file.
